howard+carolyn thoughts continued
so carolyn's with her husband and baby when she goes to meet howard, the husband goes to run errands or something. kisses her goodbye and all that.
"you know, it's times like these that remind me how terrible i was at being a boyfriend."
"no you weren't!" caroyln laughs.
"i'm surprised you didn't realise i wasn't straight. i was like the least romantic person ever."
"well, i liked you, so i didn't care!"
i guess they get in a queue and order drinks so theyre not talking about it for a bit. they get their coffees - howard grabs the tray while carolyn pushes the pushchair to a table. they get situated.
"so it really didn't bother you that i wasn't very affectionate?"
"not really. that's just how you were. except, i guess, well, i know it wasn't your fault that we're literally the wrong orientation for each other, but it did feel a bit like, 'what, we've had sex twice and then you decide you don't want to be with me anymore?' so like, i did feel bad about my body for a while after we broke up."
howard nods. pauses. "yeah. so did i."
"did you?"
"i mean..." pause. "probably not in the same way as you. i just felt... wrong. like my body wasn't mine. kind of wanted to just, like, crawl out of my own skin."
"oh. sorry, howard, i didn't know."
"well, i never told you. and it wasn't your fault either."
carolyn pouts at him. "i know, but..."
"it was just something i had to figure out for myself," howard shrugs. "it's weird, like... it seems like it should be obvious, but you only have your own experiences to go off, right, so... i just didn't know that like... asexual, or aromantic... was a thing i could be. i kind of thought i was just being autistic about it. which, to be fair. that probably has something to do with it. but, you know. i was just going off what i thought was the done thing, i guess."
ughhh more on this later