thoughts about Andy's dad :(
Today I heard a guy right at the other end of a supermarket yelling WOULD YOU WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING FOR GOD'S SAKE or something to that effect, to his kid, who immediately starts wailing, again I'm at the Other End of a supermarket to them.
Anyway never so public for me but having experienced this type of stuff growing up it was just. Harrowing. Well it would be anyway. But it made me think about Andy and his dad cuz it's definitely the type of thing he would pull. Again, probably at home, not in public. Andy would try his very hardest not to cry, or to hide that he was crying, because when he cried he got in more trouble.
It's the kind of thing that makes sense when you consider a person's behaviour, self esteem etc in adulthood... For me too lol my absolute rock bottom self esteem and inability to show emotions or advocate for myself, all of which I've only barely scratched the surface of working through.
Makes me think of stuff like, when Andy first lowers his guard even a tiny bit with Howard. The whole bit where he faints at work is like, he just got to a point he had to be honest about being a complete mess at that time. He would've taken probably much much longer IF he ever opened up to Howard, if Howard hadn't drawn it out of him. Andy felt like he wasn't allowed to suffer or have emotions.
I think when he starts crying in Howard's car he tries his best to hide it by staring out of the window and covering his face a bit while trying to subtly dry his eyes with his sleeve. But like, if you're paying attention then it's still obvious. I think he didn't expect Howard to be paying attention, through any of it. So colour him surprised when Howard says how he's been concerned for a while.
Umm... Yeah so then. I dunno. Andy's stuck with this crappy brain stuff for a while. Thankfully Howard is, patient isn't even the word -- he's just unbothered. He's not waiting for Andy to be Better. He's just there.
It's also stuff like, Andy feeling able to take up space and have interests and hobbies that felt selfish. Feeling able to sing or make jokes or do silly things. If he got silly or made much noise as a child his dad would tell at him for being loud. For being a child, essentially. For existing. So ya it takes a long time to open up. Rip lol this is all just me